CXVI.

F*ck.

When anything is taken away from anyone without any notice or warning, whatever it is...it's just not right.

Say a loved one who died from a car accident, your new pair of shoes hidden away by your friends as some sort of prank, losing your significant other to another person, life of a snail taken away by a foot of a person mistaking the snail for a lone rock on a clear asphalt walkway, homes of families in squatter areas demolished by some big foreign corporation. You cannot not think that the world is such a cruel place to live in. It's just not safe anymore.

I just lost her today.

So here I am munching timtams and gulping free piñacolada from my officemate's midnight snack, still trying to comfort myself and rationalize what had just transpired early this morning...

F*ck.

She's gone.

She was my third and among the three, she was the one I am proudest of all. I worked hard for her, toiling day and night just to get her. First time I saw her was instant love. She was beautiful and I knew if I had her we were going to have the best times together, whether in bright sunshiny moments or dark, angsty, gloomy, sad times. And the best times we did have.

She would sing me songs of lfe, joy, love, sadness, death, and a whole lot of other things.

She would tell me stories of diffrent kinds and comfort me with her words.

She wakes me up every morning (or anytime I needed to wake up) and help me sleep at night ( or anytime I needed to sleep).

She would create memories in pictures about  my life.

She would help me cry. She would wait, patiently, shining brightly in the dark until I recover.

She was just there. Most of all...she knew ME.

F*CK.

I'm terribly missing her.

In return I gave her my trust. I helped her discover her worth. I gave her life.

I also gave her precious things, a magickal fire, a smiling pumpkin, and a dragon's tail.

I protected her.

But my protection was not enough

F*ck.

In an instant she just disappeared, slipped away into somebody else's hand. I know without a shadow of doubt that I can never get her back.

I am really terribly missing her now and I could say that a great part of me was gone, torn away, shattered, mercilessly cut off. A precious bond vanished.

When knowledge came to me that I lost her all I could do was just tremble and perspire in fear. I could do nothing. I wanted to cry and shout at the people around me but I just couldn't. I was rendered helpless.

Bear with me for I am just pouring out my feelings. I just lost a great friend, my confidante, my comforter, my fellow traveller, my singer, my photographer, my phone, my R.I.V.E.R.

Call me insane or weird but this is just how I feel and it f*cking hurts to lose her. It just f*cking hurts.

snatched. rush hour. train station. sleepy. pocket. f*cking perfect timing.

Donnie, a very good friend, tells me it happens for a reason. Cliche but its true and I believe him but as we all know reason just doesn't come to us overnight, or after you've poured out all your feelings in cyberspace, or after several pieces of timtams and a can of free piñacolada, or after almost a box of cigs, heck it might not even come after a year. Thinking about it just makes me realize the other things in my life that I have yet to find reason. For now, I'll just think about R.I.V.E.R.

Wanna get a picture of how I'm feeling? watched Transformers lately? Remember the scene when Sam Witwicky was separated from Bumblebee? Precisely. Even worse for me I guess.

It just hurts but I have to accept it. I leave it all to Karma. Destiny, and Fate because they're all I could believe in right now.

I'm so sorry R.I.V.E.R., I'm so sorry.

=,(